| Define love. |
[Jul. 15th, 2009|07:54 am] |
Im having serious insomnia now after having a small quarrel with him, yet again...
Why is it that people will only learn how to cherish when the relationship is over?
& why is it that when we're back together again, you seem not to cherish me that much, & putting me aside?
Must it always be that one has to really feel the emotional pain, then they will learn how to cherish & appreciate?
After having this conversation with a friend, it really led me thinking.
What's yours will be yours. If this time he really wants to say break up with me, i guess i should just let go.
I know the consequences & the heartache that comes along with it.
That is i will still miss him, think of him, wonder how he's doing, regret, cant sleep, put on a fake smile..
But sometimes in life, we just have to learn the hard way in order to be stronger.
Some say " There's many better guys out there who can cherish you / dont care about him already / so many guys out there, sure got 1 you will like "
All these i hear until im sick of it. Moving on seems easy for some, but recalling back on how you spend each day smsing the only one you love, sharing joyous moments with them even without doing anything makes you happy, every single time you wake up you see his smses, every single night before you sleep you share sweet conversations with him, each time he makes you laugh/cry/angry, even the bad memories seem to be forgotten. All these flashbacks and emptiness are really hard to take, regardless of whether you are able to fake a smile / have a great time with your friends, find some random people to talk just to pass time. At the end of the day, you'll just be back to square one, thinking of him before you sleep, & missing all those moments shared with him.. Breaking up seems like the person is "gone", "dead" and "non-existent" in your life anymore. Someone you once loved so much will become a stranger which is a harsh fact.
i remember someone once asked me what is love? I took some time to think about it, & i felt that love should be simple. Spending time with the one you love, doing things together, having that assurance & security from him, & the feeling that you are willing to give up something for him, and that you cant go a day without missing him, showing care & concern that comes from the heart. Knowing that the one you love is sad will even make you feel sad just because you cant bear to see her sad. To sacrifice your time, & your dota/ games just to be there for her when she's lonely. To me , that's love. A deep feeling that you could feel in your heart....
But once we're apart from each other for a day or so, me or you will start to have doubts, and insecurities, and that's because i'm afraid of losing you & i care about how you feel about me. Thus, i try to prove myself better, improve myself, made you feel special, put in efforts to do stuff to make you feel treasured, like you're the only guy for me.
Deep down, have you seen how much i want to keep this relationship going? Have you appreciate it? I dont know.
I've thought things through, and i really hate to force him to change his status to "in a relationship" for me. At times, i do wonder why he doesnt wanna change his status even though i've changed it already. To me, it's a simplest form of assurance that i need from him. It just seems so easy for his friends like henry, roy, ivan, manfred, & so on to do that. At times when i'm at his house, he cant open his msn for me. & today i got to know his password, & he was angry that i knew. If there's nothing to hide, why scared/ angry that i know? I do remember last time how sweet we were, how you could change your status, how you could send me sweet messages when im about to sleep, poems, and a nice sms that brightens up my day when i wake up..
But i do know that things arent the same as it was. Gone were those days where you will catch bears for me, buy gifts for me, surprise me with those little handmade stuff for our anni, fold heart straws for me & so on.. Earlier on, i went to read this book of "chips more adventure book" you wrote to me last time.. Every word penned down i know came right from your heart.. When can we be like the past? Am i just deceiving myself all this while?
Actually i dont expect much from you, i just felt that it's the most basic thing to ask for in a relationship, which is a status. I dont wish to be a fool thinking that it's a relationship but you never treat it like one..
Have you ever felt the heartache that you have to go through, but yet putting up a strong front, forcing yourself not to contact the person as he might take you for granted if you contact him , showing him how much you need him?
And then, when both of you have a cold war of not contacting each other, you will live every single day in doubts with your mind filled with questions?
I'm feeling this way now, & it's a real tiring process..
If you dont feel the same way about us do let me know.. |
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